Opinion

Why Make the Pledge?

By Rinaldo Del Gallo
May 16, 2003

Do you pledge to not beat up women, commit general acts of mayhem, genocide, rape, and pillaging? Apparently, 600 men felt the need to make this pledge. An ad appeared in the Berkshire Eagle. It read:

"We, the undersigned, are making a public pledge never to commit or remain silent about violence against women. We are doing this out of respect and love for the women in our lives. We believe the best Mother's Day we give is peace in our family." - Berkshire Eagle, Page A5, Sunday, May 11, 2003

Hundreds upon hundreds of signatures accompany the ad. (Given 90 lines of signatures, at about 20 names per 3 lines, I would estimate that there are approximately 600 signatures.)

I also pledge, "never to commit or remain silent about violence against women." I do not do this so much out of "respect" or "love" for women (this is not say that I do not respect women or do not love women). I make gifts and do favors for people I "respect" and "love". I don't commit acts of violence against women because I am not a savage and my knuckles don't touch the ground as I walk down the street. I also advocate not participating in genocide, drive by shootings, drug dealing, house burglaries, general acts of mayhem or any act of murder. I also advocate not stealing the purses from old ladies as they perambulate down the street. Unlike the 600 signatories, I just do not feel the need to pledge to do so. In fact, to do so would be degrading.

These men pledge not to be violent towards women as casually as they would pledge to tithe to one's church, participate in recycling program, or be safety volunteers guiding children across the street. Many (if not most) do not tithe, participate in a recycling program, or are volunteers to be a traffic safety guard. Pledging to do so is not abnormal. But not beating up women is a given. So why make the pledge? While on the one level it appears that there is nothing wrong with this ad, who advocates beating women?

On another level there is something disturbing about it. Who pledges not to commit heinous acts against women? The subtle message - maybe not so subtle message - is that violence against women is commonplace, and that we bad men need to pledge not to ever do it again - just as we would to tithe to our church, participate in recycling, or be a traffic safety volunteer. The Elizabeth Freeman chose Mother's Day for the reminder that fathers need to stop beating up mothers. Bashing fathers collectively, or having fathers sign petitions decrying the shortcomings of fathers is a poor way to celebrate motherhood.

It would not surprise me of the 600 men that signed the petition, not one has battered their wife. What is disturbing about the advertisement is that it suggests acts of violence against women are common, and generally contributes to a culture that views men and fathers as haters, batterers, and in television sitcoms, totally inept fathers, often with freakish temper problems.

If this seems like a stretch, try to imagine a list of:

" Ethnic group A "pledging never to commit muggings" or
" Ethnic group B pledging "to not have children out-of-wedlock" or
" Ethnic group C pledging to "not drop out of school and to make something of their
lives" or
" Ethnic group D pledging "to not have an arrogant and snotty attitude;" or
" Women from ethic group E pledging "not to be so slutty;"

Clearly, such pledges would be viewed as fulsome and those that made the pledge as having serious self-esteem issues. Yet when a group of men engage in the same behavior, it seems totally normal to many, certainly to those at the Elizabeth Freeman Center.

Why do blameless men feel the need to pledge not to rape or batter women? To borrow a term from the early 90's, its called "political correctness." Members of a given ethnic group would (and justifiably) never make such a pledge because it suggests the aforementioned social problems are rife in their respective communities. This would obviously foster additional stereotypes of these groups and resentment towards them.

I believe the people at the Elizabeth Freeman Center are opponents to making false accusations of abuse. I even think they find it reprehensible. However, they do not seem to be willing to pay for an ad in the paper with the signature of 600 women stating, "We, the undersigned women, are making a public pledge to never commit or remain silent about false allegations of domestic violence against women. We are doing so out of respect and love for the men in our lives. We believe the best Father's Day gift we can give is peace and tranquility in our families, unprejudiced by the great evil of not bearing false witness." Were they to do so, it would suggest that women lying about men are a common social malady, which requires public atonement and condemnation.

Parenthetically, there is much evidence indicating women are often violent towards men. For a list of studies, please go this link courtesy of the Fatherhood Coalition:

http://www.fatherhoodcoalition.org/cpf/newreadings/2001/DV_citations.htm

Do not be looking to the Elizabeth Freemen Center for a paid advertisement of 600 women pledging to not commit acts of violence towards men any time soon.

The overwhelming majority (well over 99% of them) of men are good fathers, non-violent, and generally nice. Public pledges by fathers to refrain from acts of violence, demeans fathers and lowers their esteem in society.

Atty. Rinaldo Del Gallo is President, of the Berkshire Fatherhood Coalition