Awards for Amherst Professors

Honoring Amherst’s Nutty Professors

From Izzy Lyman and Larry Kelley
January 24, 2002

It’s tough for us little guys to keep a straight face in Amherst, living amidst the highbrows who ‘wish to change the world.’

During the past year, many of the American far left’s cheerleaders made us laugh . . . hard. To return the favor, we want to honor them with achievement awards. Both of us, as you will note, favor academics -- those Ivory Tower hypocrites who carp about the privileged from their perches of privilege and sound like they have a terminal case of Turrets’ Syndrome.

All of our prizewinners, except one, indoctrinate (er, teach) at UMass, Amherst.

And they are . . .

I Never Cared for Ricky Ricardo, Either award. This goes to Martin Espada, professor, lawyer, and poet. In 1999, Espada, who came of age in a Puerto Rican ‘hood, opposed West Side Story as the Amherst-Pelham Regional High School’s choice for a musical production, because it contained “stereotypes having to do with gangs, violence, hot temper and especially machismo.” Coming from a guy who sojourned to death row to bond with convicted cop-killer Mumia Abu-Jamal … caramba!

This award-winner was a busybody in 2000. He co-organized a “Poets for Peace” benefit and has been grooming a protégé - his ten-year-old son, Klemente. A recent puff piece in the local newspaper, featuring Espada, noted that his little revolutionary-in-training, who also scribbles poems, “protested the celebration of Columbus Day” and “lobbied for a Malcolm X Day at school.”

In recognition for such undistinguished nonservice to country, Espada also garners a limerick:

There once was a poeta for peace.
A professor for Mumia’s release.
And, ol’ Martin did deride,
That great story of West Side.
Will his political correctness ne’er cease?

To Hell With Mom and Apple Pie award. This goes to Richard Minear, a UMass history professor.

This prof rebuked kiddie author Dr. Seuss for drawing the Japanese with exaggerated features: “…piggish nose, coke-bottle eyeglasses, slanted eyes, brush mustache….” in a major New York newspaper a few months after they slaughtered 2,400 Americans in a sneak attack. Perhaps the Professor’s mom never used the old adage, “bullets and bombs will break my bones, but cartoons will never hurt me.”

After veterans agent Rod Raubeson installed 29 commemorative flags downtown last August, Minear (a former Amherst Select Board Chair) emailed the town manager to “object to the flags and certainly to the preposterous idea of having them up for four months of the year.” He added with Taliban-like zeal: “I urge the board to limit the flags to one holiday per year.”

Al Sharpton America Owes Us Big award is a gift from Izzy to David Graham DuBois. He teaches Afro-American studies at UMass and is a former editor of a newspaper published by the Black Panther party.

Referring to September 11 in BlackElectorate.com, he penned this gibberish: “This ‘war against terrorism’ is, in fact, an open declaration of war against the peoples of the developing world; initially the peoples in the Middle East and Africa, and ultimately the peoples of South and Central America and the Caribbean, all Asia, the South Pacific and the islands of the Seas …

“It is a desperate attempt to meet and overcome this developing world’s growing challenge to the continuation of four centuries of European and American hegemonic domination, exploitation, suppression, insult and injury by its executors in America and Europe.”

Hello? To paraphrase Larry’s phrase … they slaughtered thousands of Americans in a sneak attack. DuBois also conveniently overlooks the billions and billions of dollars that Uncle Sam has lavished upon Third World countries (pardon me, ‘the developing world’), as well as some of the human rights atrocities committed in such locales. But, hey, when did liberals ever give the facts a chance?

Dare-To-Lay-Down-In-Streets award. This is presented by both Izzy and Larry to Barbara Love, a UMass professor of social justice education.

Love chairs the Amherst Regional High School Committee. At a recent school meeting of that group, Dr. (strange) Love allowed an unscheduled public discussion – guaranteed to make front-page headlines – of a sexual harassment complaint which had been lodged by a 14-year-old male freshman against Principal Stephen Myers, 55, a recent import from a charter school in Colorado. When a reporter asked Dr. Love (-me-not) when she became aware of the incendiary charges, she responded with a laconic, “No comment.”

In the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, if a complaint of impropriety is made against a school official, such as Principal Myers, a public official, such as Dr. (tough) Love, must legally file a form with the Department of Social Services. She, along with every other Town Official, failed to file the form.

It’s not the first time, Dr. Love (-me-tender) has been enthusiastic about adding “lawbreaker” to her resume. In November, when school officials were discussing whether to disregard the state mandate that will require high schoolers to pass the MCAS test in order to receive a diploma, the Daily Hampshire Gazette noted that “… Chairwoman Barbara Love countered that it is equally important to teach students to defy laws they find unconscionable.” She is a woman who, obviously, practices what she preaches.

Drama Queen of Happy Valley is awarded by Larry to the unnamed Hampshire College professor (She wouldn’t give her name to the press, but a reporter outed her place of employment.) who crashed a patriotic rally at Amherst College in October. She stomped on an American flag, while another young “lady” held aloft two burning flags.

For trying to teach students political agitation while remaining anonymous and for donning ebony garb that day, she also earns the Men in Black Fashion Award.

And the best for last, natch.

Trash-Talking Old Glory award is given by both Larry and Izzy to Jennie Traschen for her infamous utterance at an Amherst Select Board flag hearing on the eve of 9/11 when she described the Stars and Stripes as “a symbol of terrorism and death and fear and destruction and oppression.”

In the marathon media exposure that followed, the soft-spoken physics professor avoided repeating her slanderous remark. She also took pains to avoid saying, “I’m sorry.”

To strike at the heart of America, terrorists chose the majestic Twin Towers. Those ensconced in Amherst’s Ivory Towers spewed so much drivel last year, we can rest assured that they will never be targeted. But heaven help the naive young people who set foot in the classrooms of our achievement award winners. After all, minds – and taxpayer dollars – are a terrible thing to waste.

Izzy Lyman and Larry Kelley have no axe to grind against UMass or professors. They better not! Izzy’s hubby Wid received his Ph.D. from UMass, and Larry’s wifey Donna is a college professor.